Things Your Therapist Wish They Could Tell You

We often forget that therapists are human too - even though we are supposed to stay objective within the context of the therapy room ; it is impossible not to have an opinion or experience a range of feelings at times FOR our clients rather than WITH our clients. We love our job because we care deeply about what happens to you.

1 - We might be the "expert" on the different theories of the psyche, but you are the expert of yourself. And as much as you might learn from us, we are learning from you too. I am reminded every day that humans are incredibly resilient because of the strength I see in my clients. I have become a better partner, daughter and friend because of your wisdom.

2 - We are not supposed to take sides. YOU are the client and we only have your perspective to base our interventions on. We genuinely want what's best for you. It is quite evident that the trauma you went through was horrible. The drama that you have with your coworker or family member, or the ex that didn't treat you well? We might secretly dislike them too.

3 - It's normal for us to wish sometimes we could do more to support you outside the therapy room. But we do have our hand ties at times by regulations and systemic limitations. We are not magicians, and the roles we play are important but it is our duty to model healthy boundaries. We do worry about your wellbeing at times even after the session ends.

4 - Sometimes our clients have many similar interests to ours, or we have similar personalities. We might have thoughts like “If I met them anywhere else we could have been good friends”. Therapy however naturally has a power dynamic that is imbalanced due to the nature of our work. We cannot cross those boundaries without causing emotional harm and it is a responsibility that must be taken very seriously. It is a gift and privilege to be able to support people in their most vulnerable moments.

5 - We are allowed to self-disclose to an extent, but it has to be beneficial to YOU.  A lot of my clients have been parentified growing up, or they feel responsible for other's feelings. The last thing I want to do is for my clients to feel responsible for my emotions. That being said, we are human and we might have experienced something similar - breakup, death of a loved one, health challenges, and even mental illness. Self-disclosure must be intentional and done in a thoughtful manner. 

6 - My goal is for my client to be able to self-regulate on their own and have the confidence to face the challenges life can throw at them. We can be your support when you need it, but it would be unhealthy if we tried to keep you as clients for our own benefits. If you don’t need my services anymore because it is not a right fit? Great, I am proud of you for acknowledging your needs and respecting your boundaries. Therapy is like dating - we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea and that doesn’t reflect my worth or yours.

7 - It’s normal for clients to start hearing their therapist’s voice outside the therapy room. Hopefully it means you are integrating the tools. Some clients are able to be more self-compassionate or self-regulate better when they think about what we would say in such a situation. 

8 - Many of us decided to become therapists because of our own mental health challenges. It doesn’t make you broken to want an external source of support, or to need professional help. If anything, it makes you courageous. It takes a lot of vulnerability to be emotionally open to a stranger. Everyone copes in different ways, and sometimes we need someone to remind us of our strengths too.

9 - We are human, and having clients never return to session without a word can be hurtful. We understand life gets busy or sometimes it is part of our client’s attachment styles… and sometimes we still wonder about what happened to you and if you are okay. Additionally, terminating therapy without a closing session is not necessarily recommended - it allows us to do a recap of the tools you learned, the goals you want to keep working on moving forward and it is an opportunity for giving us feedback on the ways we can improve.

10 - A lot of clients use humour as a way to deflect from their emotions or avoid connecting to their experiences. You might be hilarious, but sometimes it is not therapeutic for us to laugh at all your jokes without gently calling you out on it. It is our job to help you loosen the patterns of thoughts and behaviours that don’t serve you. 

11 - We understand that therapy can be emotionally challenging, and at times triggering other relational dynamics. We don’t get offended if you react angrily, or if you are late to session. Our job is not for you to like us or for us to like you - we always just hope that we can be helpful. There is such a thing in therapy that is called transference, which is when you experience similar emotions from the significant people in your life (such as parents, caregivers, or romantic partners) that are transferred onto the therapist. This can allow us to work through unresolved issues or unconscious beliefs in therapy sessions. My goal is for you to feel “safe enough” to let yourself be authentic and not hide behind the mask of people-pleasing. 

12 - We might be therapists, but we do enjoy the occasional memes or we like hearing about the conversations you have with your friends. Every information you share provides us with a greater knowledge of who you are, and even the most ordinary thing can give us insight.

13 - You do not pay a therapist to care about you - we care either way. You pay for our time and services. Payment helps support us to access supervision, pay rent for our office, pay for our training and membership to our regulatory body, it covers booking systems etc. You pay for our insight, knowledge and experience. 

As therapists, we are our own tools. The way we show up in the therapy session is based on our knowledge, our ability to regulate our nervous system, our humanity and empathy. We couldn’t do our job if we were robots (hello ChatGPT), and it is unreasonable to expect us to be completely detached, or be in complete control of our emotions all the time (we might laugh with you or worry for you). Our authenticity is what allows you the safety to be yourself, and our attunement to your needs is what allows us to be great therapists!